I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
How's work?
Spinning.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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