went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize