If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
