I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
