I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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