so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Holy sore nipples Batman
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize