i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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