I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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