my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
