Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
