Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
