i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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