I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
