I'd wear matching sweaters with you
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You brought string cheese to the strip club
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
