8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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