Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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