I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
