I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
