Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
