I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize