I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
