I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
