I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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