Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
