I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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