I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
