The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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