I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
