Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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