My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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