Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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