My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
