He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
