so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
