Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
