I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
