Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
