I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
