I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
