I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
