They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
