My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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