So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
