If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
