you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
