proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
