he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
