The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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