drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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