I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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