I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
