Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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