Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
