Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
