i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize