I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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