Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
