you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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