Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
