If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
